By Laurie Baron, Ph.D
SAN DIEGO – Like most Martians, I live under the planet because it’s too hot or too cold. When I occasionally venture to the top to soak up the sun or see the stars, I get annoyed at how littered the landscape has become with metal vehicles that collect samples of our soil and rocks or hover above the surface. Since most of them wear the insignia of a place called USA, I decided to file a complaint with the leader.
After intercepting terrestrial telecommunications, I’m not sure who the US leader is. There are two men, Trump and Biden, who claim to be their president. When I hear their speeches, I think it has to be Trump. He sounds so authoritative. Although I am worried about confronting him for repeatedly stating that he hates aliens, I feel that he is receptive to my request. After all, he lives in Mars-A-Lago and looks like he’s wearing a space helmet on his head. To be on the safe side, I wear my MAGA hat. I think it stands for Mars Against Galactic Attackers, a sentiment that its followers seem to share.
As I descend from space to Earth, I notice that parts of it are so hot that they burn. I’d heard there was a more temperate climate than Mars, but maybe I was wrong. On landing, I take a deep breath in what is supposed to be clean air, but I cough from particles floating in it. I know people think Mars is habitable, but maybe they are interested in exploring my home with the aim of moving there in the future to escape the heat and pollution.
When I arrive at Mars-A-Lago wearing my MAGA hat, I am welcomed. Even though I’m only there with green skin, I don’t feel uncomfortable because Trump’s skin is orange. Before I can demand that Trump stop sending spaceships to Mars, he asks me if I am a representative of the company he wants to hire to recount the Pennsylvania presidential election.
I say no and introduce myself as an envoy from the Red Planet. He is impressed and adds that if it were up to him, all states, countries and planets would be red. I clarify my introduction by noting that I come from Mars. He reminds me that he started the Space Force because he hoped to annex Mars. He believes that if all Martians like me wear MAGA hats, they’ll vote for him, offsetting the growing number of American voters other than green. In return for these votes, he promises me a stake in Trump Tower on Mars, whose first guests will be billionaires who travel there with their own rockets. I’ll be shown out the door by his bodyguards before I have a chance to speak to the American spaceship on Mars.
Maybe I should have spoken to Biden. From the reports I’ve read, he doesn’t mind withdrawing American equipment from foreign territories.
Baron is a professor emeritus of history at San Diego State University. He can be contacted at [email protected] Jewish world in San Diego advises new readers that this column is satire and nothing in it should be taken literally.