SATIRE | Review of 10 of the Most Popular Pumpkin Spice Drinks | Columns | Opinion | College every day

The leaves change color. The days are getting shorter. There’s a breath of fresh air in the air. It’s sweater weather. Autumn is finally here.

Autumn is one of the four most important seasons and not only brings bright red, orange and yellow tones to the trees, but also changes for all of us. We’re not just talking about midterms here – college isn’t school – but those classic harvest time traditions that bind us together.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s pumpkin seasoning, so we asked Braden “The Rock” Dyreson, one of our columnists, to break down our favorite pumpkin seasonings.

1. Pumpkin and spice latte

It’s okay. I mean, I’m not really into lattes, but that’s not that bad. You can definitely taste the pumpkin which is kind of neat. I just don’t get what the big fuss is about – it’s just a latte. A total of about seven out of 10 points.

2. Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Latte Kombucha

This is really not my thing. I have no idea who macchiato is, but whatever he did, this drink didn’t make this drink for me. It’s way too much pumpkin … I mean way too much pumpkin. There are pumpkin farms with less pumpkin than in this drink.

That’s like a three or four out of 10. Also, isn’t kombucha like stomach bacteria or anything?

3. Reverse osmosis Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Frappe Latte Kombucha with pumpkin milk

That’s just bad. There is no way around. I don’t see how anyone could like this drink. I had to rinse my mouth with water after drinking. It tasted like a pumpkin died in a coffee. No offense if you like this, but it’s just plain bad and I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as pumpkin milk.

One in 10, and that’s generous.

4. Hard Reverse Osmosis Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Frappe Seltzer Latte Kombucha with pumpkin milk topped with crushed pumpkin seeds

Can we please stop? I know we needed content for this week and listicles usually work fine, but there has to be another way. I think this thing would be considered a toxic substance legally. It’s more than disgusting, it must be a joke at this point. Really nobody could drink that.

Minus 10 out of 10.

5. Hard Reverse Osmosis Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Frappe Seltzer Latte Kombucha Beefy Fritos Crunchwrap Supreme ™ with pumpkin milk topped with crushed pumpkin seeds only available at Taco Bell

Huggggggmpfffffff augh! (Braden tries to dry the Hard Reverse Osmose Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Frappe Seltzer Latte Kombucha Beefy Fritos Crunchwrap Supreme with pumpkin milk topped with crushed pumpkin seeds into the bin) Augggmfsh! It’s not funny anymore. Please please let me stop I can not do this anymore. I will never eat pumpkin again.

6. Limited Edition BTS, Hard Reverse Osmose Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Frappe Seltzer Latte Kombucha Beefy Fritos Crunchwrap Supreme ™ with pumpkin milk topped with crushed pumpkin seeds only available at Taco Bell, Live Más!

(Incomprehensible crying and groaning of the stomach).

7. Limited Edition BTS, Hard Reverse Osmosis Pumpkin Spice Macchiato Frappe Seltzer Latte Kombucha Beefy Fritos Crunchwrap Supreme ™ with pumpkin milk topped with crushed pumpkin seeds and pieces of pumpkin while a trebuchet fires rotten pumpkins in the face, only available at Taco Bell, Live Mas!

Pains. All I feel is pain I can’t even begin to say it (it’s interrupted by a shredded, rotting pumpkin pounding in the face), ahhh! Express all the bad I’m feeling right now. What did mankind bring to earth with pumpkin spice?

8. A pumpkin with a straw in it.

It’s not even a drink. What should I do with it?!

9. You drink a pumpkin with a straw in it and you will like it.

I’m trapped in pumpkin hell.

10. Happy autumn.

To be honest, the pumpkin is a bit thick, but it’s not that bad.

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About Vincent Hand

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